A world famous Diva once commented in an autobiography that she often feels alone in a room full of people. I often wondered how could this be. A lady nominated for an Academy Award for her first movie, broke a long standing Broadway Box-office record in the 70's and even at this late stage in life can fill a 2000 plus seat concert hall. But lately I have been beginning to understand.
If I am being true to myself I often feel alone. Not in the sense that I want pity or a hug from someone but an inner loneliness that often single people feel and maybe couples if the love has long gone.
It is true that I have great friends (in fact they are my family), an enjoyable work environment, active social life and a pretty healthy lifestyle but I ache for more.
Like most in life I want the opportunity to share my life with someone, the ability to share new experiences with them and travel the road that is life with my "mate".
It is the season of Spring here in Australia and with it there is love in the air. As I look outside of the cafe I am sitting in I see couple everywhere, all ages and all persuasions. This is great as I would never begrudge anyone the happiness of love but it makes me understand the statement of feeling all alone in a room full of people. I want it all; not just to be an observer but also a participator in this magical season. The anticipation of enjoying the moment and wondering if "we" are going to mate for life or will it just be a "hot and heavy" romance that will be passion and fireworks for just a season or two.
To compound my thoughts there is a debate within Australia about the ability for same sex couples to marry. Where I live there has been a Bill passed at Territory Government level with an appeal lodged in The High Court of Australia against it. At present I have not made a true commitment either way as I feel that marriage is between a man and a woman in the eyes of God but on the other hand I should have the ability to declare my love for a partner that is legally binding in front of my family and friends. Having said this when I think about this debate it highlights to me that I am alone and maybe this is not going to be a prospect.
What should I do about this inner feeling? At the moment I am trying to understand it and hoping that in time it will be just a though and not a consuming fear in my life. This may not be an easy process and will most definitely take time and effort. I hold onto the hope that I will be strong enough internally to conquer this fear and that love will come my way.
As stated previously I am not seeking pity but I made a promise to myself that if and when I write this year that I would be try and honest with myself. These are just my thoughts today.
