The following thoughts have been kicking around in my head for many months but today they are flowing freely from the pen to the paper (or in this modern world from my mind to fingers to keyboard).
For a long time now I feel that I have lost my self identity. Not the facts that identify us; name, age, date of birth, address, phone number, bank account number, health insurance number, computer login ID's etc but the self identity which defines us as a person to our family, partner, friends and work colleagues.
I cannot pinpoint the exact time that I lost my self identity. In all likelihood it has been disappearing slowly over a period of time and probably started long before I realised it was vanishing.
Our identity can be summed up in many worlds; parent, partner, friend, lover, son, daughter, brother, sister and colleague to name a few.
Not long before Christmas I broke up with a partner. This was a decision not taken lightly but after close to two years of questioning the effectiveness of the relationship and if we were both achieving what we wanted from the relationship and spending more time arguing and apart than together and enjoying I found it more satisfying being single. Not that being single does not have its advantages (you only have to clean up after yourself, come and go when you want) but it can be a little daunting. Everything depends on you; mortgage payments, bills, cooking, cleaning, saving etc. If you are not functioning at 100% these things suffer and there is no one there to "lend the hand" or "share the load" and there are the more important things such as the knowing longing looks and the moments of tender intimacies. Sometimes I wonder if I am a failure by being single. You question if there is something fundamentally wrong with yourself and why others don't find you attractive. I have not come to a conclusion on this either way. The conclusion I have is that until I find myself again this will be a void unfilled.
There are other areas that I feel there is some failure. My dad has been diagnosed with alzheimer's and I feel guilty by being a nine hour drive away to asset my mum with his management. Then there has been the realisation that I will never be able to call myself a parent (facing reality here - 44, single, gay and living in a country where internal adoption is near impossible). This is something that I had thought was reconciled many years ago but seems to have raised its head of late. I have no definitive answer for either of these. The one answer I do have is that whilst I have been focusing on the negatives the negatives have been eroding my self identity.
For many years I have prided myself on being a good friend. Of late I feel that I have not always been there for others. This is my perception and possibly my perception could be reality (or it maybe far from it). It is something that weighs on my mind at the moment. There is much to be said about the complexities of friendships and I might explore this in further in another post.
When there is a lot of negative in your life you tend to question everything but often question it with a distorted view. So to get myself out of this funk that I am and hopefully think in a more positive light I have come up with some action plans.
No alcohol for a month - this one is tracking okay at two weeks in.
Read a book by the end of this month.
Connect the surround sound system at home by the end of the month
Light a candle
Eat healthy
Only buy my lunch one day a week at work
Exercise daily
Reduce hours of wasting time on the internet
Accept offers of outings (subject to affordability)
Go to bed early and get up early
The next post will be more upbeat and hopefully sooner than later.
