Friends (Friendship Part 3)

As the year draws to an end I just want to jot down some brief notes about friendship.

This year has had its many "ups and downs" but upon reflection the "ups" have all included my friends.

When I think and ponder, the "list" is extensive but the pleasing thing is that it has been "two way".  I say "two way" as I think I am a pretty good friend for those that I care about deeply and love.

So as the year ends I feel that we should sit back and focus on the good things that have happened.  We should not dismiss the negative, but learn from them and see the positive that has evolved.

I am going to start with a few examples and hope that they prompt you to remember the good things friends have assisted you with or how you have assisted them.

• Provided a fabulous and truly memorable time in Paris.  The first thing that comes to mind are the late dinners discussing diverse and serious topics over bottles of wine and reflecting on the days events.  I will always remember your love and friendship and the sense of "being a local - even for just a brief period in time" - merci my friends.

• Tricycle Love - definitely something to write about in the future, and when I reflect on the love that exist it does bring a tear to my eye.  May we grow old together like the "tricycle in 30 years time" we saw out for lunch a couple of weeks ago.

• Canberra Family Christmas - it gets bigger and better.

• Spending Christmas with friends - many many thanks and much love.

• Being there after a breakup.  There is something comforting about being able to turn to friends or have your friends turn to you during this difficult time.  Friends and booze - what more can I say!

• Surprising Friends - especially when they have not yet discovered their surprise sitting on their back porch!

• Saturday/Sunday afternoon coffee - I hope I made the weeks go that fraction quicker until you were reunited with your soul mate.

• Living with a friend - we give each other a hard time - okay I give her a hard time but we are always there for each other.  May Shawfoot Manor live for another 12 months!

• Working with friends.

• Making wedding gift bags.

• Being asked to be a groomsman.

• Christmas in July but in August.

• Ja'maizing dinners and TV - I know a couple who will get this one!

• Offering the "good room" as a place of refuge.

There are many more but I hope you enjoyed these select few.  So as the year ends take a time to remember your friendships, cherish them and keep working on them for the upcoming year.

Loneliness

A world famous Diva once commented in an autobiography that she often feels alone in a room full of people.  I often wondered how could this be.  A lady nominated for an Academy Award for her first movie, broke a long standing Broadway Box-office record in the 70's and even at this late stage in life can fill a 2000 plus seat concert hall.  But lately I have been beginning to understand.

If I am being true to myself I often feel alone.  Not in the sense that I want pity or a hug from someone but an inner loneliness that often single people feel and maybe couples if the love has long gone.

It is true that I have great friends (in fact they are my family), an enjoyable work environment, active social life and a pretty healthy lifestyle but I ache for more.

Like most in life I want the opportunity to share my life with someone, the ability to share new experiences with them and travel the road that is life with my "mate".

It is the season of Spring here in Australia and with it there is love in the air.  As I look outside of the cafe I am sitting in I see couple everywhere, all ages and all persuasions.  This is great as I would never begrudge anyone the happiness of love but it makes me understand the statement of feeling all alone in a room full of people.  I want it all; not just to be an observer but also a participator in this magical season.  The anticipation of enjoying the moment and wondering if "we" are going to mate for life or will it just be a "hot and heavy" romance that will be passion and fireworks for just a season or two.

To compound my thoughts there is a debate within Australia about the ability for same sex couples to marry.  Where I live there has been a Bill passed at Territory Government level with an appeal lodged in The High Court of Australia against it.  At present I have not made a true commitment either way as I feel that marriage is between a man and a woman in the eyes of God but on the other hand I should have the ability to declare my love for a partner that is legally binding in front of my family and friends.  Having said this when I think about this debate it highlights to me that I am alone and maybe this is not going to be a prospect.

What should I do about this inner feeling?  At the moment I am trying to understand it and hoping that in time it will be just a though and not a consuming fear in my life.  This may not be an easy process and will most definitely take time and effort.  I hold onto the hope that I will be strong enough internally to conquer this fear and that love will come my way.

As stated previously I am not seeking pity but I made a promise to myself that if and when I write this year that I would be try and honest with myself.  These are just my thoughts today.

Thursday night "Date Night"

A couple of years ago I found myself living in Melbourne (not my smartest move, but that is for another time), not really knowing anyone and a "bit over" eating at home alone I decided one night that I should take myself out on a date.  The rationale was that I should not let being single stop myself enjoy a nice meal and a glass of wine out in public.  The night that I decided to do this just happened to be  Thursday night.

I picked up on this whilst travelling in America.  Many of the bar, cafes and restaurants had counters where you could sit as a single person and enjoy the meal.  The counters was located close to where the wait staff or bar staff were and you could have a conversation with them.  Here in Australia most restaurants are set up for tables of two or more and don't really encourage or actively welcome a single diner.

Not to let a small barrier of a restaurant not welcoming "single diners" get in my way, I had decided to make this my mission.  Armed with a magazine as my companion and dressed as if I was about to meet someone for a "real date" I started my mission.  First venue was a Japanese restaurant near where I was living, the experience was lonely as the staff were very standoffish but the food was good and the magazine enjoyable.  When walking home I thought that I should do this again and also started to think of what should a venue offer me as a single diner.

Over the next few weeks I kept up my mission and was looking forward each week to Thursday night Date Night.  I would try different venues, finish old magazines and start new ones.  After a few weeks I found a venue that was "just right for me".  It happened to be in a tourist friendly lane in inner Melbourne and suited my needs; many small tables, friendly staff, magazines and newspapers spread around.  The real winner was the friendly staff that would stop and chat with me between courses.    This venue came to be my Thursday night Date Night venue of choice (Cafe Olio in the Block Arcade will always hold a special place in my heart).   After I while I started talking openly about my "date night" venue and as I started to meet people would ask them to join me for Thursday date night.

Upon my return to Canberra I kept up the process of taking myself out for dinner.  Some Thursdays I would put a shout out via Facebook to see if anyone would like to join me or would specifically ask a friend to join me.  Sometimes it is good to ask another single person out, or a friend who's partner is out at sport or away on business to join you for a date.  It is exciting to get dressed up and enjoy a meal out.  

The main thing is that I have still not lost the joy of taking myself out to dinner and enjoying a good meal, a glass of wine and a good magazine but more importantly self belief that being single is not a hindrance to enjoying what some people in society do as couple.

Thursday night Date Nights rock!

The "little things"

As I get older I am finding more and more that the little things that are really important in life.  Don't get me wrong here I am not talking about the little things that get us down, too little ( forgive the pun!) time left in life to worry about those.  I can say this as I have declared (in an earlier post) that I am just on the other side of middle age!

The little things I am talking about are the things that happen each day that we take for granted.  The fun joke in the office, the smooching with a cute kitty cat, the appreciative look on a dogs face when you have over filled their dinner bowl.  Then there are the other little things that mean a lot more.  The sharing of a glass of wine with friend on a sunny afternoon covering all sorts of topics; some frivolous some quite profound.  Taking it a step further I have come to appreciate the small gestures of kindness which made a "shitty" day last week end on a really positive note.  These small gestures should be treasured and not forgotten and it reminds me that I should really be doing more of these for people.

So a thank you to those people that have showered me with the "little things" they are greatly appreciated and it has reminded me to keep up the process myself.

As the title of this post implies a "little" thought.

Friends (Friendship Part 2)

Following my previous post on "friendship" I thought it time to post a short update.

For some unknown reason I have felt a bit out of sorts for the last couple of weeks.  Not sure why and in the scheme of things it is not really important.  What is important is that during that time I have been able to reflect on the importance of friendship.  Not only my friendships but friendships of others.

Last weekend I was lucky enough to attend a wedding and not just any ordinary wedding but one that was a little "old school" and unconventional in this "modern age".  What was evident is that it was filled with love and also friendship, some new and others longer term.  Also evident was the fact that many people helped contribute to the day and they contributed out of friendship.  Guests brought flowers for the bouquet, other friends took the photos and most important a friend of the couple performed the marriage ceremony.

Closer to home, friendship is very important to myself and I treasure the small gestures my friends make to myself and to their other friends.  This has made me want to be a better friend back to them and also to do small gestures to others - pass it forward so to speak.

The gestures don't have to be grand.  They can be as simple as offering to drop you off or pick you up front he airport, feeding a pet whilst someone is away on holidays or something as simple as leaving a chocolate frog on a keyboard at work.

This is a short post but one where I want to say that I cherish my friends and all that they do for me and also I cherish the opportunities to do the small genuine gestures of friendship back to them.

Warm Sheets!

Sometimes in life you have a moment of clarity.  This happened some 5 minutes ago.  I have wasted energy this weekend on some frustrating and disappointing circumstances, letting the negativity take control instead of focusing my attention on the simple joys that happen day to day.

This weekend has been one of ups and down.  Sometimes it is just the little things you can gain pleasure from.

The belated birthday gift, an afternoon coffee catch that stretches through until dinner time, the sheer delight on a child's face whilst walking around with an open umbrella or your best friends being there after a disastrous date.  But tonight it is something as simple as getting into bed that has been made with sheets fresh out of the clothes dryer.

Warm Sheets you have topped off my weekend that has been filled with the most simple of pleasures that have washed away the negativity that can disrupt our minds.

A réflexion that is short and sweet.

Thank you and good night as I curl up into my warm sheets.

First Dates

This week I found myself going on a first date.

It was the first "first date" physically located in Canberra since being back (12 months) so to say I was nervous was an understatement.

First dates are often like job interviews.  You pass the first interview and proceed to the second which can sometimes be followed by aptitude and psychology testing and then hopefully you receive a job offer.

The same with a first date, if you were successful you then get to go on a second and hopefully a third date and over a period of time you maybe find yourself in some form of relationship.

Well this first date started off with me standing outside venue trying to casually look through the glass window to see if my intended date was inside as they had just sent a text 5 minutes before hand saying they were early and waiting.  After a quick check of the predetermined venue on my phone I started to send a text to ask if venue "ABC" was correct only to be warmly greeted by my date.

What followed next was nothing adverse but also nothing exceptional.  There was strained conversation about ones day, the weather, what did you do last weekend, what are your plans for the upcoming weekend followed by questions about "do you meet many guys locally?".

To be honest this job interview (sorry, date) was not going anywhere and we were only about 15 minutes into it.  There seemed to be not much in common and no desire on either party thinking this would be a great place to work (sorry, date each other).

This is not a problem.  Some people you connect with and others you don't.  Just like in an interview you "get a feel" for if this place is one you can see yourself working for or not.

The sad part is that dating all seems so hard.  I have been back in Canberra for over 12 months now and there has only been two first dates.  The first was out of Canberra and this was the first within Canberra.

Online dating seems to be where it is at.  There are sites that are designed are for genuine dating, whilst there are others for intimate meets.  Some of these are computer based, others are phone apps.  However the questions all seem to be the same;

• What department do you work for?
• What level are you?
• Where do you live?
• What is your favourite bar?
• Do you drive?- this one always surprises me as not many gay guys seem to have a car
• Which gym do you go to?
• Do you live alone?
• Can you host? - think about it
• Can I come over now?
• Will you drive and pick me up?

There are a couple more but if you are smart you can probably guess "those ones"!  You feel like that you are shopping for some piece of clothing on line or you are a "snazzy" blazer waiting to be purchased.

I am pretty sure that this is not restricted to the "gay scene" and probably crosses all genders and orientations.

However like finding the right job at the right time in your life - something always seems to come to you from "left field" and you just know at this point in time this is what you are looking for.

So to my two first dates within the last 12 months, thank you for being genuine in meeting and gracious in not being rude if we are not the right match for each other.

An afternoon to be emotionally indulgent

It has been a little while since my last post, but all of a sudden I have this urged to "put pen to paper".   However I am going to be very upfront as this afternoon my mood is one that is emotionally indulgent so if this is not for you I understand if you don't wish to keep reading.

It has been 4 weeks since a most fantastic overseas holiday and during the time since there has been a birthday and many social engagements.  Also there has been the end to a low key late Summer romance.

When something adverse happens we often become reflective and it takes some time to shift this emotional tide.

                        

My mind has been wandering of late, reflecting on the past and both dreaming and being apprehensive about the future.  One should be excited about what the future may hold but the mind can take you to places of why me, is there something wrong with me, how come I am the single one, when is my "Diana Ross love song" moment going to happen etc etc etc.

Logically these are the wrong types of thoughts to be having but sometimes I feel that you should let your mind "run" with these thoughts - get them out of your "emotional system" so that when they are finally released you can look forward to planning the next stage(s) in your life.

I know you are all busting to know about the late Summer romance but some things are just best to be kept private, reflected on, having enjoyed "the moment" and hope for something more in the very close future.

A short entry this time but one that has allowed my mind to reflect, cleanse and start dreaming of the future.

Sometimes it is okay to just stand by yourself in the cold - the cold cannot last forever!

Friends (Friendship)

Friendship is a relative new concept to me.

Apologies to those who may be shocked by this admission.

Growing up in a regional farming community in the 70's and 80's knowing I was different (later determined gay) to the other 7 boys at my local primary school I always found the concept of friendship difficult.  I did not have any friends.  Lunchtimes were spent alone in the makeshift library reading as I felt I did not really relate to anyone.  I participated at school in classes and physical education and even made the regional volleyball team in high school but for many years I would be alone.

Even today in numbers I have very few friends.  If we use social media as a measurement I currently have 53 friends.  I also have a follower on this blog but to be honest they are also a Facebook friend!

This number is low but that is not what is important.

As we move into an age (or I feel we are already there) where everything seems so disposable (from the family home and car through to the current pop sensation - Will people in 50 years time be commenting on the influence that say One Direction has had on popular music like they do about Elvis, The Beatles and the sounds of Motown?).  As a consequence of this changing age I value friendship very highly.

It sits near the top of any "what is important in life" lists that I do.  Most-times it is jostling with love for the Number 1 position but if I look at it objectively it should be Number 1 as love can be fleeting whilst true friendships endure.

What has brought me to write about his topic today?

Last night I shared an enjoyable and hospitable dinner with some friends that have put me ups for a couple of nights in a foreign city.  During eating dinner (which was awesome) and sharing an bottle of French red wine the topic became very personable but also at the same time very comfortable.  Even though we may not have all been on the same page with our views on the various topics discussed there was a common element of respect and also the ability to listen to the others thoughts and views.

This dinner, which finished late by normal standards was followed by my host getting up very early this morning to walk me to the Metro to purchase a ticket and also to give me easy to follow instructions of which stop to get off at and which signs to follow to transfer to a main line train.

These 2 events got me thinking that acquaintance would not do this where as true friends would.

True friendship takes many forms.

From someone lovingly preparing a meal for you in your kitchen as a thank you for giving them a cooking book for Christmas or a friend coming over after work and just sitting silently with you on your bed after a crap day at work.

I think we should cherish these little "gems" of friendship that occur everyday.  From being dropped of to the airport in the middle of the working day to my oldest friend who never complains when I ask for her new postal address (it is just that the old one is so installed in my mid that after 3 odd years I can still recite it).

Your true friends are there on the days when you lose your way and they are there to celebrate when you kick the winning goal.  Just as importantly you are there for them in both the good and not so good times.

Without sounding morbid but if i should happen to not be here tomorrow and if only half of my Facebook friends turned up to say their final good byes I would be extremely happy as I have had the privilege of sharing some major ups and downs with them.

So thank you my friends for reminding me daily that through this disposable life we pass through that there is at least 1 that that can endure the test of time.

Valentines Day

To be completely honest I am not a fan of Valentines Day.  Fortunately or unfortunately I have been single for more Valentines Days than I care to remember.  Don't get me wrong, I am happy for people in relationships but this day always reminds me that I am single and all the self doubts that go along with this.

I am not sure if you are aware of Sharon Strzelecki from the television series Kath & Kim but I sometimes feel like Sharon.  Sharon is perpetually single, despite being secretly in love with her first love, Brett and has very little luck in the love stakes, even after finding her Shane Warne look-a-like.  "Poor Sharon; so unlucky in love".  So this year I decided to take a different approach.

The plan was to find other single people and enjoy a dinner out.  Easier said than done.  The finding of friends was straight forward but the enjoying could prove harder.  For some reason this day always makes be feel,..........well it is hard to explain.  Sometimes I feel that I am failure as I have not found a mate, other times I feel that there must be something wrong with me or that I have two heads on my shoulders that make me unattractive to others.

I know this is all silly and when I am in a rational mood these thoughts are deep and buried.  However there is something about the lead up to Valentines Day that peels aways all the layers of rationale to expose my self doubts.  The adverts for the romantic weekend getaways, romantic dinners, flowers, chocolates and stuffed toys are like emergency services sirens screaming at me and telling me I am single.  Then there is the day itself with the radio stations holding silly competitions and then there is the steady stream of flowers being delivered to the office and you know that none are going to make their way to your desk.  When you get home the news always has a piece about the value of flowers sold on that day and for some reason you want to take yourself out for dinner and then you realise that every venue you select will be full of smug couples.  So as you prepare your dinner you find that a bottle of red wine allows you to drown your sorrows as the television station advertises the Valentines Day themed viewing line up.

However for some reason (maybe I am maturing) or maybe it was the planning of the dinner I felt that I was doing something to keep the insecurities at bay.  Suddenly I felt as if it was just another Thursday evening catching up with good friends and enjoying a meal and of course each others conversation and company.

The conversation was flowing on all sorts of topics, the food was good and then the move to another venue for a cocktail and dessert was fun.

More importantly there were none of the usual insecurities for the day, I reflected and smiled to myself about the flowers coming to the office that day, the couples walking together hand in hand either going to or coming from their dinners out and enjoyed a great meal with great friends.

So was there a lesson learnt?  Maybe, maybe not.  What was learnt is that you need to take control of situations that make you feel insecure about yourself, as you should never be too down on yourself and revel in situations that you might find yourself in.

So thank you Valentines Day 2013.

Gay (Part 1)

This is called this Part 1 as I have not decided if all will be told in this post or if there is more to tell at a later time.

I should be upfront in that talking about these topics some people may not want to read on, so this is going to be a post talking about "gay stuff" - if this does not interest you I won't be offended.

Whilst being upfront I have a little confession.  I am a bit anti-gay.  Harsh words you may say.  So how do I explain this.  Too be honest I am not sure I can.  It is just that many gay guys annoy me.  I know this is totally wrong.  In my past experiences I find so many gay guys have this need to be someone they are not or someone who they think they should be.

I don't find the whole air kissing, wrist flapping and the word daaarlllliiiinnnng all that appealing.  Is this wrong?

Maybe the following will assist in explaining.  Many guys I know each year go to Mardi Gras to perform and to be part of the festivities.  The process leading up to this often involves a very strict gym routine, often skipping meals, waxing, shaving, tanning etc all to be someone they are not for 1 night.  Then after a night of sex, drugs and rock and roll (well disco) it all goes out the window and as the tan fades the kilos reappear all to be done again next year.  This is what I don't understand.  I don't "get" the need to be someone who they are not just for one night.

Conversely I have met many guys that are the complete opposite.  These guys are often married.  Yes you read correctly.  How does one meet married gay guys.  Well with technology these days you can meet these guys at the click of an icon on your smart phone.  These guys live 22 hours of the day as a "straight" married man often with children and for 2 hours out the day they are quite happy to be gay.  I am hoping that I don't have to join the dots......

Having met guys that fall into the above 2 categories it has been a breath of fresh air to meet some that are just genuine and down to earth who have made me less anti.  These ones are my friends.

People that I class as friends are the ones that you obtain something from.  It maybe as simple as enjoying their company or as complex as expanding your mind.  So in conclusion maybe I should just be less judgemental and enjoy friendship whether they be straight or gay.

There will definitely be a part 2 and possibly a part 3 on this topic.

Midlife Crisis Day

Today is midlife crisis day.  Yes February 2nd 2013.  It has been decided.  This also means I have decided that I am going to live until 83 and 7/12th's.

I hear you ask, what has brought on midlife crisis day?  There has been no one defining moment but today seems to be made up of little moments when joined together that has led to midlife crisis day.  The sudden realisation that the t-shirt I wanted to purchase was being marketed to a 16 year old, all jewellery stores advertising it is only 12 days until Valentines day (the dreaded day for singles) and the fact today seemed to be crowded with smug gay couples.  To top this off it seems everyone I know has some kind of plan today leaving me at a rare loose end.  You know what they say - an idle mind is not kind!

So how is one going to cope with this midlife crisis day.

I can assure you that there will be no purchasing of a mid life crisis sports car and plastic surgery or hair plugs are definitely not the go.

So, how to cope.

The process started with a visit to the National Portrait Gallery.  Whilst always interesting, was probably not the best decision I have ever made.  Looking at the famous or infamous portraits you start to question what you have or have not done in life.  This may have been a blessing in disguise as it led me to the gift store (do not under estimate the power of retail therapy) to look for a birthday present for a special friend.  Whilst looking it made me think of all the wonderful friends I have who are in reality my family - more on this another day, but just so you are clear I have a loving family but I am sure it must be hard for them to deal with their first child being gay and the complexities that has with people of older generations.

This quest for a perfect gift brought me back to Civic which in turn finds me seated in a funky little bar eating a very late lunch (seafood paella) pondering my midlife crisis day.

So whilst pondering and eating it has been decided (sometimes the universe just decides) that I should start my own blog.  A thought that has been hanging around in my mind for little while now.  This blog is going to be a collection of random ramblings that over a period of time give you an insight of the author (me) and how a nearly 42 year old singleton deals with his midlife crisis.

One thing is for sure midlife crisis day will not last forever as there is so much to do until I turn 83 and 7/12th's....


The agenda to start getting over midlife crisis day may include a hot bath, some favourite music and starting the process of getting back into the dating game.....

Stay tuned.