The past, the present, the future.....

This is not intended to be a pity post - far from it.  

Twelve months ago I went on a date (a last date in many ways). A date to see if there was to be a future (which I was secretly hoping for - even though I may have had my "ice-queen" hat on). A date that in hindsight was a date to save me from a life of being single.

Looking back I should have known it was not going to be a successful night as everything was last minute. It started with a relatively last minute invite, followed by a last minute booking for the last table at the restaurant and ended in the last meals to be served....  

Not wanting to dwell on the past (though the past is important as it is what shapes us and helps us to decide if to take the same path or a different path) I want to focus on what that night taught me. That night taught me to be true to myself. True of who I want to be and what I stand for.  

I don't want to be famous, I don't want to be the leader of my work, I don't want to be the quickest, strongest or fittest (though most days at bootcamp I do show up to "compete"). This may shock many people. What I want to be is a good person; Have a good heart, show compassion, be a good friend to these who I hold close to my heart and be true to myself. A term that I have heard recently is to have a good "shadow". This is what I aspire to be, to be respected for being the best of me I can be.

I say aspire as I fail every day but I get up the following morning and try again.  

Another lesson learnt that night is that it is okay to fail. I fail every day. I fall over but I pick myself up. When I say I fall over I literally do (my head came off second best when I tripped over on the edge of the doona/comforter on my bed and collided with the corner of my dressing table last week). All jokes aside I fail but you know what; it is not the end of the world! What would be the end of the world is if I did not learn from these failures. I know I fail instantly (maybe the words I spoken or the way I acted or literally fail - like thinking I locked myself out of my apartment only to realise twenty minutes later there was a spare key tucked away in my mobile phone case).

The final key lesson from that ill fated date is that it is okay to be single. Don't get me wrong I would not knock back a partner but I don't need a partner to complete me. I complete me (failures and all). A partner would be a bonus on an already rich and fulfilling life of being me. I like me (well most of the time), I "work on" me (daily), I suffer me, I respect me, I fail me but that is me - the bonus lesson learnt.

Two things before I sign off. I have not written for a long time which may change in the future and secondly by a strange twist of fate I am heading back to the same restaurant next week - ironic - maybe.... or is it the completion of a circle and a new circle of my life will start and who knows what that might bring.....

My view on gay marriage.

This follows on from some recent controversy here in Australian where a christian couple have announced that they plan to divorce if a recently introduced marriage amendment bill is passed.  It has become a mini media frenzy here with the announcement of this christian couples friends uninviting them to an upcoming wedding due to their views on gay marriage. 

It is not often that I "protest" about social issues but I found the treatment of this couple a little disturbing. They may not have the same thoughts as you and I and I will admit that they were not media savvy so their views came across even more right winged than they had hoped.  This recent view on gay marriage has allowed me some thinking time on my thoughts on the matter.

Firstly for those that may have different opinions I am not going to un-invite you to the opening of the envelope in my living room this evening. I respect you for having a different opinion to myself, unlike the "so called friends" of the couple in the media of late.

The last time I checked we live in a society where we can practice free speech in many forms (granted there has been recent legislation changes with regards to this under the pretence of National security) but in general we can still express our opinions (even if others disagree).

I am disappointed that the couple in question have been portrayed as people with no education and antiquated - at the end of the day it is their view and most likely some other people share their view - against gay marriage and maybe not so many wanting to divorce if the current private members bill is introduced. Not everyone in society has the same view as yourself or myself on all topics.

With regards to the current members bill introduced the following is what I understand (and I am happy to be corrected).

This is a private members bill introduced by the opposition leader Mr Shorten and is not a bill introduced by the Australian Labour Party (ALP). It is also a borrowed bill that has been floating around for some time now which was to be introduced by Tanya Plibersek (deputy opposition leader). Surprising that this bill was introduced into our parliament following a "yes vote" for gay marriage in Ireland (a very staunch Catholic country) and in a week where Mr Shorten was seen to be falling behind in the polls after leading them for a period of time and also at a time where there is current scrutiny into Mr Shorten's handling of an union deal - maybe I am being cynical......

It is interesting to note that when a similar bill was introduced in 2012 members of the ALP voted against this (as the ALP have the ability to conscious vote). The other interesting part is that it is not an ALP introduced bill as there are divisions currently with the ALP with regards to Gay marriage which was/is to be debated at their annual upcoming "catch up". The debate centres around the ability to conscious vote or to vote on gay marriage as a "block" - meaning all in or all out. There are many within the labour party who still support this vote still to be a conscious vote.

As a consequence it may not even make it to a vote in the lower house with the Coalition (Libs/Nats) holding a substantial majority and currently they vote as a "block" and don't have the party supported option of a conscious vote. Their current stance is a "No vote".

The other item that I would like to bring to attention is that there has been ongoing discussion of introducing later this year a bill with bipartisan support after considered discussion on the actual wording of the bill and its greater impact on the Constitution and any other current legislation so we don't have the ludicrous situation we did a couple of years ago where the Territory of the ACT passed a bill that was promptly overturned by the High Court of Australia only 2 weeks later which made those married in the short period of time nul and void.

It disappoints me that this current topic is being used a political football. There should be a measured bipartisan approach to this debate where all parties are able to express their opinion and then come up with a measured outcome that suits just about everyone.

I will repeat it again; it disappoints me that this current topic is being used as a political football.

For those wanting to know my opinion here it is. I am against gay marriage. Yes you have read this correctly. Personally I would prefer to see the Marriage Act abolished and have Civil Unions for everyone one and for those who are religious the ability to be married according to the views, customs of your religion in a separate religious ceremony.

Thanks for reading.

Identity (Self)

The following thoughts have been kicking around in my head for many months but today they are flowing freely from the pen to the paper (or in this modern world from my mind to fingers to keyboard).

For a long time now I feel that I have lost my self identity.  Not the facts that identify us; name, age, date of birth, address, phone number, bank account number, health insurance number, computer login ID's etc but the self identity which defines us as a person to our family, partner, friends and work colleagues.

I cannot pinpoint the exact time that I lost my self identity.  In all likelihood it has been disappearing slowly over a period of time and probably started long before I realised it was vanishing.

Our identity can be summed up in many worlds; parent, partner, friend, lover, son, daughter, brother, sister and colleague to name a few.

Not long before Christmas I broke up with a partner.  This was a decision not taken lightly but after close to two years of questioning the effectiveness of the relationship and if we were both achieving what we wanted from the relationship and spending more time arguing and apart than together and enjoying I found it more satisfying being single.  Not that being single does not have its advantages (you only have to clean up after yourself, come and go when you want) but it can be a little daunting. Everything depends on you; mortgage payments, bills, cooking, cleaning, saving etc.  If you are not functioning at 100% these things suffer and there is no one there to "lend the hand" or "share the load" and there are the more important things such as the knowing longing looks and the moments of tender intimacies.  Sometimes I wonder if I am a failure by being single.  You question if there is something fundamentally wrong with yourself and why others don't find you attractive.  I have not come to a conclusion on this either way.  The conclusion I have is that until I find myself again this will be a void unfilled.

There are other areas that I feel there is some failure.  My dad has been diagnosed with alzheimer's and I feel guilty by being a nine hour drive away to asset my mum with his management.  Then there has been the realisation that I will never be able to call myself a parent (facing reality here - 44, single, gay and living in a country where internal adoption is near impossible).  This is something that I had thought was reconciled many years ago but seems to have raised its head of late.  I have no definitive answer for either of these.  The one answer I do have is that whilst I have been focusing on the negatives the negatives have been eroding my self identity.

For many years I have prided myself on being a good friend.  Of late I feel that I have not always been there for others.  This is my perception and possibly my perception could be reality (or it maybe far from it).  It is something that weighs on my mind at the moment.  There is much to be said about the complexities of friendships and I might explore this in further in another post.

When there is a lot of negative in your life you tend to question everything but often question it with a distorted view.  So to get myself out of this funk that I am and hopefully think in a more positive light I have come up with some action plans.

No alcohol for a month - this one is tracking okay at two weeks in.
Read a book by the end of this month.
Connect the surround sound system at home by the end of the month
Light a candle
Eat healthy
Only buy my lunch one day a week at work
Exercise daily
Reduce hours of wasting time on the internet
Accept offers of outings (subject to affordability)
Go to bed early and get up early

The next post will be more upbeat and hopefully sooner than later.

Grateful Saturday

Each weekend I post on Facebook an update called "Grateful Saturday".  This idea came around about 18 months ago when I remembered that a friend posted un update each Thursday on what they were grateful for during the past week.  I thought it was an inspiring idea and something I could use to try and turn anything negative that happened during the week into a positive.

Instead of "bitching" about people, events or putting negative vibes "out into the universe" I though wouldn't it be good to post about all the "things" that I was grateful for throughout the week.  I also use it as a reminder that even though the week may have not been the best or lived up to expectation there were probably a couple of really good things that happened to me during the week and that I should be grateful for them.

For example it could be something like catching up with friends for coffee, a surprise that may have happened during the week, a nice gesture by someone or something as simple as enjoying sitting in the sunshine for an hour during a week where the weather has not been the best.

Some weeks there maybe many items on the list, whilst other weeks the list can be quite short.  The length of the list is not a reflection of my week but sometimes I like to keep it simple where as other weeks I like to "shout it from the rooftops".

I am pretty good at posting something each Saturday but sometimes I forget or I have been really cranky with the world and in order to "snap out of it" I post the update on a Sunday with the title "Grateful Sunday".  Other times I maybe over excited about something and the post appears on a Thursday or Friday and you guessed correctly, they are titled "Grateful Thursday/Friday".  I have been know to post un update on a Tuesday or Wednesday, if you see those post you know I am more than super excited!

Just a short entry this time around, but something I wanted to share.

Friends (Friendship Part 3)

As the year draws to an end I just want to jot down some brief notes about friendship.

This year has had its many "ups and downs" but upon reflection the "ups" have all included my friends.

When I think and ponder, the "list" is extensive but the pleasing thing is that it has been "two way".  I say "two way" as I think I am a pretty good friend for those that I care about deeply and love.

So as the year ends I feel that we should sit back and focus on the good things that have happened.  We should not dismiss the negative, but learn from them and see the positive that has evolved.

I am going to start with a few examples and hope that they prompt you to remember the good things friends have assisted you with or how you have assisted them.

• Provided a fabulous and truly memorable time in Paris.  The first thing that comes to mind are the late dinners discussing diverse and serious topics over bottles of wine and reflecting on the days events.  I will always remember your love and friendship and the sense of "being a local - even for just a brief period in time" - merci my friends.

• Tricycle Love - definitely something to write about in the future, and when I reflect on the love that exist it does bring a tear to my eye.  May we grow old together like the "tricycle in 30 years time" we saw out for lunch a couple of weeks ago.

• Canberra Family Christmas - it gets bigger and better.

• Spending Christmas with friends - many many thanks and much love.

• Being there after a breakup.  There is something comforting about being able to turn to friends or have your friends turn to you during this difficult time.  Friends and booze - what more can I say!

• Surprising Friends - especially when they have not yet discovered their surprise sitting on their back porch!

• Saturday/Sunday afternoon coffee - I hope I made the weeks go that fraction quicker until you were reunited with your soul mate.

• Living with a friend - we give each other a hard time - okay I give her a hard time but we are always there for each other.  May Shawfoot Manor live for another 12 months!

• Working with friends.

• Making wedding gift bags.

• Being asked to be a groomsman.

• Christmas in July but in August.

• Ja'maizing dinners and TV - I know a couple who will get this one!

• Offering the "good room" as a place of refuge.

There are many more but I hope you enjoyed these select few.  So as the year ends take a time to remember your friendships, cherish them and keep working on them for the upcoming year.

Loneliness

A world famous Diva once commented in an autobiography that she often feels alone in a room full of people.  I often wondered how could this be.  A lady nominated for an Academy Award for her first movie, broke a long standing Broadway Box-office record in the 70's and even at this late stage in life can fill a 2000 plus seat concert hall.  But lately I have been beginning to understand.

If I am being true to myself I often feel alone.  Not in the sense that I want pity or a hug from someone but an inner loneliness that often single people feel and maybe couples if the love has long gone.

It is true that I have great friends (in fact they are my family), an enjoyable work environment, active social life and a pretty healthy lifestyle but I ache for more.

Like most in life I want the opportunity to share my life with someone, the ability to share new experiences with them and travel the road that is life with my "mate".

It is the season of Spring here in Australia and with it there is love in the air.  As I look outside of the cafe I am sitting in I see couple everywhere, all ages and all persuasions.  This is great as I would never begrudge anyone the happiness of love but it makes me understand the statement of feeling all alone in a room full of people.  I want it all; not just to be an observer but also a participator in this magical season.  The anticipation of enjoying the moment and wondering if "we" are going to mate for life or will it just be a "hot and heavy" romance that will be passion and fireworks for just a season or two.

To compound my thoughts there is a debate within Australia about the ability for same sex couples to marry.  Where I live there has been a Bill passed at Territory Government level with an appeal lodged in The High Court of Australia against it.  At present I have not made a true commitment either way as I feel that marriage is between a man and a woman in the eyes of God but on the other hand I should have the ability to declare my love for a partner that is legally binding in front of my family and friends.  Having said this when I think about this debate it highlights to me that I am alone and maybe this is not going to be a prospect.

What should I do about this inner feeling?  At the moment I am trying to understand it and hoping that in time it will be just a though and not a consuming fear in my life.  This may not be an easy process and will most definitely take time and effort.  I hold onto the hope that I will be strong enough internally to conquer this fear and that love will come my way.

As stated previously I am not seeking pity but I made a promise to myself that if and when I write this year that I would be try and honest with myself.  These are just my thoughts today.

Thursday night "Date Night"

A couple of years ago I found myself living in Melbourne (not my smartest move, but that is for another time), not really knowing anyone and a "bit over" eating at home alone I decided one night that I should take myself out on a date.  The rationale was that I should not let being single stop myself enjoy a nice meal and a glass of wine out in public.  The night that I decided to do this just happened to be  Thursday night.

I picked up on this whilst travelling in America.  Many of the bar, cafes and restaurants had counters where you could sit as a single person and enjoy the meal.  The counters was located close to where the wait staff or bar staff were and you could have a conversation with them.  Here in Australia most restaurants are set up for tables of two or more and don't really encourage or actively welcome a single diner.

Not to let a small barrier of a restaurant not welcoming "single diners" get in my way, I had decided to make this my mission.  Armed with a magazine as my companion and dressed as if I was about to meet someone for a "real date" I started my mission.  First venue was a Japanese restaurant near where I was living, the experience was lonely as the staff were very standoffish but the food was good and the magazine enjoyable.  When walking home I thought that I should do this again and also started to think of what should a venue offer me as a single diner.

Over the next few weeks I kept up my mission and was looking forward each week to Thursday night Date Night.  I would try different venues, finish old magazines and start new ones.  After a few weeks I found a venue that was "just right for me".  It happened to be in a tourist friendly lane in inner Melbourne and suited my needs; many small tables, friendly staff, magazines and newspapers spread around.  The real winner was the friendly staff that would stop and chat with me between courses.    This venue came to be my Thursday night Date Night venue of choice (Cafe Olio in the Block Arcade will always hold a special place in my heart).   After I while I started talking openly about my "date night" venue and as I started to meet people would ask them to join me for Thursday date night.

Upon my return to Canberra I kept up the process of taking myself out for dinner.  Some Thursdays I would put a shout out via Facebook to see if anyone would like to join me or would specifically ask a friend to join me.  Sometimes it is good to ask another single person out, or a friend who's partner is out at sport or away on business to join you for a date.  It is exciting to get dressed up and enjoy a meal out.  

The main thing is that I have still not lost the joy of taking myself out to dinner and enjoying a good meal, a glass of wine and a good magazine but more importantly self belief that being single is not a hindrance to enjoying what some people in society do as couple.

Thursday night Date Nights rock!